I didn’t always have them.
Like—not even a little.
There was a phase in my life where if someone said, “Hey, can we talk?”
My brain would immediately go:
“Cool. This is it. I’ve ruined everything. Time to move to a different city.”
You ever do that? Jump straight from minor discomfort to full emotional apocalypse?
Yeah. Same.
I used to think relationships—friendships, dating, even family stuff—were just about being “nice” and “trying your best.” Which sounds good. Very wholesome. Gold star energy.
But then I kept having the same weird problems over and over:
- Misunderstandings that shouldn’t have been misunderstandings
- Arguments that escalated way too fast
- That awkward silence after you say something and immediately regret it
And at some point, I had to admit…
Maybe it wasn’t just them.
(That realization? Painful. 0/10. Would not recommend. But also… necessary.)
?? First Thing I Learned: Emotions Are Not the Enemy (Even the Dramatic Ones)
I used to treat emotions like annoying pop-up ads.
“Oh great, here comes anxiety again.”
“Why am I so irritated for no reason?”
“Can this feeling just… leave?”
But ignoring emotions is kinda like ignoring a smoke alarm.
Sure, you can pretend it’s not happening.
But eventually something’s gonna burn.
So one of the first emotional intelligence skills I picked up—very slowly, very imperfectly—was just… noticing what I’m feeling.
Not fixing it. Not analyzing it to death.
Just noticing.
“Okay. I’m annoyed.”
“Okay. That comment actually hurt.”
“Okay… I’m jealous. Wow, that’s ugly.”
And yeah, sometimes it’s not pretty.
But naming it? That’s step one.
?? Emotional Intelligence Skill #1: Pause Before You React (I Fail This Weekly)
You know that moment.
Someone says something that hits a nerve and your brain immediately starts writing a very passionate response.
That’s the danger zone.
I once sent a text in that exact state. Thought I was being “honest.”
Nope. I was just being… reactive.
And my friend replied:
“Whoa. Where did that come from?”
Which is code for:
“You just made this weird.”
So now I try—try—to pause.
Even if it’s just 10 seconds.
Sometimes I literally put my phone down and walk away like it’s radioactive.
Because most reactions aren’t wrong… they’re just premature.
?? Emotional Intelligence Skill #2: Actually Listen (Not Just Wait Your Turn)
This one hurt my ego a little.
I realized I wasn’t really listening to people.
I was just… waiting for my turn to talk.
Like:
“Okay they’re talking… mhm… mhm… wow that’s crazy… anyway HERE’S MY STORY.”
You know?
But real listening is different.
It’s quieter.
It’s asking:
“What are they actually saying here?”
Sometimes people aren’t saying exactly what they mean.
Sometimes they’re hinting. Or struggling. Or just venting.
And when you really listen—like, genuinely—you catch things you would’ve missed.
Also, people can feel it when you’re present.
And weirdly, that alone improves relationships more than any clever advice ever could.
?? Emotional Intelligence Skill #3: Stop Taking Everything Personally (This One Is HARD)
Okay. This one still gets me.
Someone doesn’t reply to your message?
“They’re ignoring me.”
Someone seems off?
“They must be mad at me.”
Someone cancels plans?
“Cool, they don’t like me anymore.”
Meanwhile, reality is usually:
They’re busy.
They’re tired.
They forgot.
They’re dealing with their own stuff.
Not everything is about you.
(I say that with love… and also as someone who still occasionally spirals over a “seen” message.)
But learning to pause that assumption has saved me so much unnecessary stress.
A Slightly Awkward Story (Because That’s My Brand)
I once thought a friend was mad at me for like… three days.
They were texting shorter than usual. No emojis. Very suspicious behavior.
So I started overthinking:
“Did I say something wrong?”
“Are we drifting apart??”
“Should I apologize? For what though??”
Finally, I asked.
You know what they said?
“Dude, I had a migraine.”
That’s it.
Three days of emotional chaos… for a headache.
So yeah. Lesson learned. (Kind of. Still working on it.)
?? Emotional Intelligence Skill #4: Say What You Mean (But… Nicely)
I used to either:
A) Avoid saying anything at all
or
B) Say everything at once… aggressively
There was no in-between.
But emotional intelligence is kinda about finding that middle space.
Like saying:
“Hey, when that happened, it actually bothered me a bit.”
Instead of:
“You ALWAYS do this and it’s SO annoying.”
See the difference?
One invites a conversation.
The other starts a war.
And look—I still mess this up sometimes. Especially when I’m tired or hungry or both (dangerous combo).
But when I get it right?
Things feel… lighter. Easier. Less dramatic.
?? Emotional Intelligence Skill #5: Read the Room (Not Everything Needs to Be Said)
Just because something is true… doesn’t mean it needs to be said right now.
Timing matters.
Tone matters.
Context matters.
I once made a joke at completely the wrong moment.
Thought I was being funny. I was not.
The room went quiet. Someone coughed. I wanted to disappear.
So yeah—reading the room is a skill.
And it’s not about being fake—it’s about being aware.
?? Emotional Intelligence Skill #6: Be Okay With Discomfort (Ugh, I Know)
Hard conversations are… uncomfortable.
There’s no way around it.
But avoiding them?
That usually makes things worse.
I used to dodge conflict like it was a sport.
“Oh it’s fine.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“I’ll just ignore it.”
Meanwhile, it did matter. A lot.
And it would come out later in weird ways—passive comments, frustration, distance.
Now I try to face things earlier.
Not perfectly. Not smoothly. Sometimes awkwardly.
But honestly? A slightly awkward conversation is better than silent resentment building up like… emotional clutter.
?? Emotional Intelligence Skill #7: Give People the Benefit of the Doubt (Within Reason)
Not everyone is out to hurt you.
Most people are just… figuring things out.
Just like you.
So instead of assuming the worst, I try (again—try) to think:
“Maybe they didn’t mean it that way.”
And a lot of the time?
They didn’t.
This doesn’t mean ignoring red flags or bad behavior. Obviously.
But it does mean not turning every small thing into a big story in your head.
A Few Random Things That Helped Me (No Fancy Category)
- Taking a breath before responding (sounds basic, works anyway)
- Asking “what do you mean?” instead of assuming
- Apologizing when I mess up (ugh but necessary)
- Not texting long emotional paragraphs late at night (learned that the hard way)
Outbound Links You Might Actually Enjoy
- Mark Manson’s blog (real talk about relationships and emotions)
- The School of Life YouTube channel (weirdly comforting and insightful videos about human behavior)